It is inevitable you will be turned down at various points in your life. You may get rejected when applying for a job, making a marriage proposal or asking your boss for a pay raise. It is not a nice experience to have, but thankfully it is possible to learn how to handle rejection without letting it destroy you.
Here are 7 tips on what you can do:
1. Don’t take it personally. There are times in our lives when we are rejected simply because of timing. If you ask someone out to lunch but they have already eaten lunch, well they are going to turn you down! If you apply for a part-time job at a department store during the Christmas holidays the week of Christmas, they are going to turn you down because they have enough staff. Some rejections have nothing to do with us. So if you got turned down, do not second guess that you are no good or that no one likes you. It may just be a question of timing!
2. Think positively. It can be hard to think positively when you have been rejected, but try to turn the tables on this. If someone declines your offer for a social event, think about all the times when you have said no to others as well. Also, sometimes, getting rejected is a blessing in disguise. It may provide you with the space for something bigger that is about to happen!
3. Listen to the rejection carefully. It is important to pay attention to the reason for the rejection. This will tell you if you have a second chance or not. If you apply for a job and the Human Resources Director says “Not now, but call me in three months,” you can choose to focus on the part about timing. Try asking a follow up question to understand why you are being rejected now and get creative in coming up with an alternative solution.
4. Be kind to yourself. Being rejected is a disappointment to say the least. It can be very frustrating to put yourself out there for either personal or professional reasons and then, be told “no.” So, be kind to yourself after getting rejected in some way. Engage in positive self talk and encourage yourself for the future. Do not be silly by drowning your sorrows in food, alcohol, cigarettes or overspending.
5. Have confidence in who you are. Learn to have confidence that people will like you just as you are and to make yourself the best “you” that you can be. Engage in hobbies and activities that you. Laugh and sparkle! People will respond in amazing ways and you will get to experience less rejection!
6. Know that everyone gets rejected. There are six billion people on this earth. We are all beautiful, unique and different. There are times we are in demand and times we may get rejected. Knowing that rejection is an emotion that many people go through is a reality check! So get over your victim mentality and move on!
7. Try and try again. A popular sales motto is that it takes twenty “nos” to get to one “yes.” Many successful authors like Robert Kiyosaki and Mark Victor Hansen got their manuscripts rejected several times by publishing houses before they hit big time! Learn from these authors. Do not therefore take rejection as a sign of failure. Instead, press on in your dreams!
A lot of rejection is not the actual rejection, but how you handle it. If you engage in positive self-talk and have a confident attitude, it is possible to attract a better outcome. Hence, keep picking yourself up when you fall. Do not feel daunted but rejoice because you have found one less way to being turned down. So, even if a new party says “no” to you, you will always be able to transform your negative state of mind to a more empowering one!
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This guest post was written by Evelyn Lim of Attraction Mind Map. Image by Lovely Petal.
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Nice post Evylin.
“Do not feel daunted but rejoice because you have found one less way to being turned down.”
Reminds me of a quote I believe was attributed to Benjamin Franklin - “I have not failed, I have merely found one more way that does not work.”
It is hard for people to not take it personally, but you’re right - oftentimes, it has nothing to do with us, it has everything to do with the other party’s situation.
I try to work out whenever I feel rejected. There’s also a great story in Fitness magazine this month on slowing down and chilling out. Maybe we’re all working too hard too fast and getting too rejected…slowness is the key. The article is really great.
Evelyn- I enjoyed the post! I particularly agree with number 7- even J.K. Rowling got rejected by publishers before someone accepted Harry Potter
I also like that you added number 4: be kind to yourself… I think it’s something I forget sometimes. Loads of people must be perfectionistic and beat themselves up about things they “fail”..
@Sid: I love that quote too– it’s the one with the lightbulbs, right? How he failed to make one that worked 1000 times and when asked about it by a reporter, he said “I haven’t failed, I’ve successfully discovered 1000 ways not to make a lightbulb.” I think that’s awesome, thanks for reminding me
Great post…and good point with number 4. Too often we are so hard on ourselves (I know I am), and it is difficult to ease up. Perhaps it would be good to surround yourself with people who care about you who can help boost your confidence. Also, I find that writing things down helps as well in terms of better assessing what you are feeling and why.
To help with negative self talk, I wrote two posts:
1. “10 Harmful Thoughts” at http://shanelyang.com/2008/06/18/10-harmful-thoughts/
2. “50 Negative v. Positive Thoughts” at http://shanelyang.com/2008/06/27/50-negative-v-positive-thoughts/
Every rejection is an important lesson in how not to eventually get rejected for what you really want. You may not have really wanted that job/date/etc. or else you would have prepared more for it or acted more enthusiastic during the interview, more creative about asking for the date, etc. And, if someone turns you down for marriage, you should thank your lucky stars for that! Imagine the trouble you’d have if you actually married someone who doesn’t want to be married to you! Rejection is like physical pain — a symptom or sign that something seriously wrong underneath the surface might need your immediate attention.
I had a friend who did not get the job of other people’s dreams, but it was not his dream. He still felt terrible about it, though. I asked him a few questions about the interview and his answers made it even obvious to him that he didn’t show enough enthusiasm for the job. See “How to Ace Job Interviews” at http://shanelyang.com/2008/01/07/how-to-ace-job-interviews/
So, rejection is actually a good thing when you really think about it. It frees us up to go after what we really want or makes us decide if we truly wanted it in the first place so we can try harder to eventually get it. Either way, we end up getting whatever we truly want and learning important lessons about ourselves and the world along the way. That’s a win-win situation! : )
This is an important subject. Here are a few more points…
8. Remember that the person “rejecting” you is not comfortable, either. Take the rejection gracefully and thank them for the opportunity. Making them comfortable may even help you forget your rejection. Send a thank-you note.
9. Rejection is an opportunity — not a negative event. We learn more and gain more from these events. Embrace rejection as an opportunity to grow…
“My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened.” ~ Michel de Montaigne
“Resistance to the unpleasant situation is the root of all suffering.” ~ Ram Dass
“Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.” ~ D.T. Suzuki
Thanks for the post…
Kent @ The Financial Philosopher
@Sid, thanks for your lovely feedback! It’s a natural reaction to feel hurt when we get rejected. It’s really a lot about our ego-centric mind as well. A change in perspective will most certainly be helpful!
@Jess, great example about JK Rowling too!
@Janelle, I share the same findings too - writing down my thoughts has been an important aspect of my self discovery. I also like the idea of having supportive friends around!
I love that Ben Franklin quote. Every time we’re rejected, as long as we use it as a learning experience, it should only make us stronger.
I really enjoyed this post- failure at something is something that is too often seen as something negative where in reality it should be something that we can learn from. When a child is starting to walk they fall down more often than anything else. This rejection by their little bodies to keep them upright and moving forward doesn’t stop them they get back up and try it again. They learn from it and grow. Before you know it they’re running all over the place. When we’re older this failure or rejection stops us cold and we don’t try again and we don’t improve; I’ve been grappling with my own realization that I too am doing this. Rejection is something to learn from and something to keep in mind when you try again. Success is just a matter of try, learning, trying again and going forward.
I commented on attractionmindmap.com and then realized the conversation sits here.
Embracing rejection is such an important skill to learn at any stage of your life. To dream and dare and live large also means some rejection and criticism. Learning to move past the emotions attached to rejection/criticism is key to success.
@Writer Dad, let’s all be reminded about taking rejections in our stride with this quote that Sid has highlighted
@Matt, I enjoyed your analogy about a child learning to walk. We’ve clearly forgotten how we should not view “failures” as rejections but rather as learning lessons to try again!
@Stacey, how nicely you put it - the part about embracing rejection. Yes, most definitely if we want to dream big, then there is every chance that we will encounter rejection. We cannot meet with success if we don’t learn to let go of our negative emotions.
Try and try again - absolutely! It’s tempting to give up after a rejection (or several), but there are so many stories of successful people who were rejected numerous time before making it.
Can I add one other thing coming from the sales angle?
An approach I used to take in sales when I didn’t get an order was to think “Wow, the poor soul they’re missing out on a brilliant opportunity. Not to worry because somebody else gets the chance now. It’s their lucky day”
There’s also the option to install a belief system that rejection doesn’t even exist. Somebody says no, you’re exactly where you were before, nothing has changed.
Great post!
My motto is “You’ll never get a yes if you never ask” and “A no never hurts you but a yes can definitely help you”.
When I was in my early 20s I sold Tupperware. I was trying to book parties and spent hours on the phone calling all the past guests from previous parties.
I called about 200 people, and got 1 yes. I was pretty upset. My husband said well that’s 1 more than you had before! That 1 party broke both my sales record and my booking record. I profited from it for years.
Do people really try to drown their sorrows in cigarettes? It seems like it would take an awful lot! And drowning your sorrows in such a way would be a lot worse than being rejected–a case of the cure being worse than the disease!
This is helpful in regard to inspiration, which we all need. But it sort of omits the other important side of rejection:
to learn what’s true about you, that you were rejected.
It’s really modern to emphasize the “I’m okay” “we all get rejected” aspect, b/c to your point it can be difficult
but some top performers use rejection to figure out what they need to change or when to quit one pursuit in favor of another
e.g.
rejected when applying for a job: maybe you need to get better skills/experience or apply for another job
making a marriage proposal: maybe you should have pre-qualified
asking your boss for a pay raise: why aren’t you worth more?
The times I’ve been rejected when applying for new jobs turned out to be great opportunities. In one case I was told that I was overqualified; in the other no explanation was given, but I later learned that the interview committee also thought I was overqualified.
In both cases I realized that I was not reaching high enough in my aspirations. Fortunately I was able to see that early on.
Since then, I’ve always looked for the lesson or message in rejections. When I’ve had a manuscript rejected, I appreciate the editors who take time to give tips and suggestions. Otherwise I decide that we weren’t a good match.
The mere act of going after sales or other pursuit where you risk rejection, is a success. Some sales experts believe that if you aren’t getting rejections you aren’t making enough calls or sending out enough proposals.
Since rejection is a part of life, it’s to our benefit to incorporate the tips you given. Thanks for sharing these.
I like this article, Evelyn. Simple and practical advice. I think number 1 and number 7 are the most important, and are often the hardest. So many people make life hard for themselves by taking a rejection or even a perceived rejection personally. And if we think we are in danger of being rejected again, too many of us quit and run away to hide. I think of myself as a fairly optimistic person who takes risks and will always have a go, but when it comes to something very important to me (like my novel) it is a lot harder to persevere.
Actually, this post is like a how-to guide for a bold and courageous life. You will be rejected so learn how to handle it and keep on moving on.
Kelly
@Vered, yes…we often forget that we are not the only ones who get rejected.
@Tim, I like what you’ve shared “Somebody says no, you’re exactly where you were before, nothing has changed.” Excellent point there!
@Hunter, don’t a lot of people puff up more when they are stressed? My best friend does it all the time, despite knowing all the warning signs.
@David, yes…most certainly…it’ll be great if we can move past our sense of “rejection” (a making of our ego) and investigate what lessons we are being taught!
@Overcoming Life Obstacles, I love the story that you’ve shared.Very often, we just need a quality shot!
@Flora, thumbs up to how you’re using rejections as an indicator for where you need to improve or to decide if it is a no-match. I remember Robert Kiyosaki also sharing how being in a network marketing or direct sales company helped toughen him up.
@Kelly, understandably it’s harder to be detached when something like a novel that you’ve spent hours on, gets rejected. The important thing is what do we do after the rejection. Yes, be courageous and move on!! Try and try again!
Rejection is not a sign of failure, it is a sign of effort. The more effort,the better chance of success.
http://yinvsyang.com/
I really like #7 - Try and try again. Perseverance can be the key. If you keep trying long enough, all the rejection will turn into positives. And it’s positive in that you learn about yourself along the way, and what doesn’t work. As long as you keep trying you haven’t failed, you’ve only found ways that didn’t work at whatever you’re doing.
I like the list format you’ve used here!
Definately a thumbs up. Dealing with rejection is, in many ways, the single most important skill for success. The succesful person faces far, far, far more rejection in their lives thatn the unsuccesful. They get where they are because they are willing to keep putting themselves out there.
What did Churchill say? “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”
@Lance, thanks for your feedback. Yes….when your intent is strong and you follow up with every persistence, the chances of success is definitely greater!
@EMotivate, how rightly you put it that the successful person would have probably faced far more rejection in their lives than the unsuccessful. It definitely takes courage to take risks but with great risks comes great rewards!
I really like where the comment stream goes: rejection is not to be avoided. Embrace rejection!
Randy Pausch said in his celebrated lecture: “Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things.
Evelyn: I think that learning to handle rejection is so incredibly important because, let’s face it, if you put yourself out there there will be rejection to deal with. I think the point about not taking it personally is very important. When you’re rejected you should see it as not being the right fit with that person or that particular situation, and not that there’s anything wrong with you.
be immune to it!! who cares what others think. thanks for all the profound wisdom and inspiration.
Hi Evelyn,
I have realized, through my own experiences, that rejection typically happens when the vibrational match is not there. It could be a job, a love interest, or even a simple refusal by a vendor to sell us something. Instead of beating ourselves up and wondering what’s wrong with us, sometimes we should just move on to something else that “matches” our vibes. Or we can come back again later to see if timing has changed the vibes at all.
[…] 7 Tips On How To Handle Rejection In Life […]
I tell myself that it just wasn’t meant to be and there is something better out there for me. I agree with that quote that it takes 20 No’s to get a Yes. It’s not always easy to accept rejection though, I have to admit that.
I really like the argument you gave for the last point (try and try again). It can take a few “no’s” to get to that “yes,” and we gotta be willing, patient, and diligent to get past those necessary “no’s” in order to be closer to that eventual “yes.”
Boy did I need this a few weeks back. No matter how much you know, deep down, that it is ridiculous to take rejection, especially from a corporation, personally, it is hard not to fall into that “what’s wrong with me?” trap. Now if I could just learn how to deal with rejection without being a horrible bitch to my children and husband, I would be golden. Next article for you maybe??
@David, me too
@Davina and Al, patience and persistence are good values to adopt!
@Marelisa and etavitom, rejection does not necessarily mean that there is anything fundamentally “wrong” with ourselves. Looking at rejection as an indictor for us to make improvements or to understand that the timing is not right, is certainly more empowering!
@Irene, I love the thoughts that you shared on this subject. What a great way of understanding why we get rejected. Things are definitely a go-ahead when we are “matching up on vibes”. What we therefore need to do is to move into being aligned with what serves our Higher Purpose.
@Betsy, I can understand why sometimes we continue to remain stuck even when we know that it is ridiculous to take rejections personally. I’ve been in this position before.
Awareness is nevertheless the first step! You may need the passage of time to realise that the rejection is a blessing because it has provided you space to move into something more suitable. Things often happen for a reason!!
In the absence of more info from you, my take is that when you can have forgiveness and a sense of acceptance towards yourself, you won’t be taking out the rejection on others.
Nice & good post, really every one in their life get rejected many times, a self positive talk realy help to keep ourself up & trying next time, many said “try try try till you get success” or “try try try but don’t cry”. In office too you will find that many get rejected for talking or doing something, so you can find other people those like talking to you or doing work as specified, so always there is way to find positive thing.
I’m pleased to see that self-confidence made your list. It is one of the most powerful yet overlooked things we can do to turning any situation around.
@RaAr, totally agreed about finding ways to be positive.
@Tom, I won’t dream about missing out on mentioning about self confidence and esteem. If we can change how we feel about ourselves, we can also change how we view rejection and things happening to us in our lives.
[…] Evelyn Lim: 7 Tips On How to Handle Rejection In Life Posted on September 8, 2008 at 9:05 am, filed under BlogHer. Bookmark this entry.Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post. Post a comment or leave a trackback. […]
[…] Pickthebrain has a list of ways to deal with rejection. The site says that there are a lot of people in the world and rejection is inevitable. ” There are six billion people on this earth. We are all beautiful, unique and different. There are times we are in demand and times we may get rejected. Knowing that rejection is an emotion that many people go through is a reality check! So get over your victim mentality and move on!” […]